man & nature # 265 ~ and the good pot too
Thursday, November 12, 2009 at 08:18AM 
A hint of blue on an otherwise grey day • click to embiggenUntil I came across the following Letter to Red States by Lady Bunny, I had no idea who Lady Bunny was. Now I know - from ladybunny.net: With her glitzy outfits, sky-high wigs, and false eyelashes long enough to embarrass even Tammy Faye Baker, multi-talented drag artiste Lady Bunny would turn heads even if looking glamorous was her only talent.
That said, LB's Letter to Red States is not only rather hilarious (conceptually) but actually contains quite a bit of interesting information that helps explain why so many of the citizens of Red States buy into the nonsense being spewed by the Far Right.
DEAR RED STATES,
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States
Thank you, Lady Bunny.
Reader Comments (5)
Well all I can say is thank god we'll have control of 90 percent of all cheese and 95 percent of America's quality wine!
What a great read! And oh so illuminating.
Thank you Mark.
The only thing good about politics is the satire. Fun read!
I didn't write it--just reposted an anonymous forward. But I'm glad you liked it! --Bunion
This is wonderful. I just spent some time on another site arguing that American politics was nothing if not great theater. In an offhanded way, this strengthens that argument. I love it.
Reading this from the UK, it just sums up all I've ever thought about America. Good luck with the (new) Secession!